Hello lovely ones,
How are you? I’m enjoying nibbling on the wild green ones, watching the bees in my herbs and smelling the lavender on my path.
Recently I did a little poll on the path of recovery to see which point I highlighted in the post you would like to hear more about.
Self love being the first seed to sow came out top, so I thought I would use this space to explore it, I hope its not too long!!
I came to realise on my own journey towards recovery of my wholeness and integrity that not much would change if I didn’t first look at my self disrespect and grow some self love.
In my childhood, I had learnt to disregard myself, hating so much of me, and that hate had led me to suppress, criticise, belittle and sabotage myself in so many ways.
I didn’t understand back then, what self love was. Growing up, someone might say to another person ‘you love yourself don’t you!’ And it was always an insult, something to be mocked. Or self love was thought of as selfish, a mental illness or a luxury.
There was also the idea that self love was baths with oils, face packs and positive mantras in the mirror, and it can mean those things, but in its core, it’s so much more than that.
Self love is allowing yourself to unfurl, giving your heart a voice. Self love is backing yourself and finding ways to be in our integrity / wholeness, (and more, but thats for another time!)
For a long time, I didn’t realise the depths of self punishment I had acquired, I was so cut off from myself, that so much of my behaviour was unconscious, and so until I made it conscious, I wasn’t going to be able to change. I had to shine the light of awareness on it, so I could then work on it, and in that way, it could begin to teach me and guide me to where I needed more love and compassion instead of misleading me.
Hate, disrespect or neglect of self is like concrete; grey, suppressive, heavy and cruel, inhibiting life and growth. We layer it on to our feelings, our truth, our dreams, our longings, our bodies and our hearts.
We usually start to layer on the concrete because of having learnt from outside sources that our sense of self, our truth and our knowing is not worth listening to and that its not welcome, or, that it will create danger for us, or love will be taken away.
And so, to fit in, to be safe, we start to concrete over our very hearts, we learn to think that our integrity is unworthy, stupid and troublesome.
We start to take on the external narrative, internalise it and repeat it in our own voice, better to put ourselves down than others do it. This learnt self hate, (and it is learnt, for self hate is not a natural or innate way to be) is actually a way we learn to look after ourselves.
It’s often called our ‘loyal soldier’
This loyal soldier is created in us and by us, to cope with our environment. We ignite and employ this character within, to keep us safe. The loyal soldiers main aim is to make us small, smaller than our natural potential, so we can fit in, be easy, liked, safe and in line.
This loyal soldier will also find ways to keep us away from our true feelings, having learnt they will get us into trouble and they will also trouble us. Our loyal soldier is an aspect of us that we create as a child with very limited tools, small understanding and pretty shoddy resources, yet their advice is what guides us into adulthood without changing.
The ways the loyal soldier aspect of self has of keeping us small, might be the self critic, the people pleaser, the addict, the joker, the self saboteur and so on.
For me, I had learnt that my voice, my ideas, my nature, my hopes, my dreams, my feelings, my body and my truth were dangerous, stupid, unworthy, ugly and trouble making.
Over time, I learnt to put down and concrete over all that I was, sabotaging, destroying and people pleasing my way through life.
These behaviours were deeply ingrained, and not only that, I relied on them for safety. Which meant, if I tried a new way, without first addressing how I treated myself and my distorted ways of being safe, then I was always going to push myself off the path, even if it was a beautiful path. Something in me would feel it was unsafe, that it would lead me to disappointment, abuse, shaming or ridicule, and so, unconsciously, I would let myself veer away, because it was supposedly safer, and, it’s also what I thought I deserved.
So you see, our loyal soldier, our harsh ways of treating ourselves, our learnt self hate is a cage, a concreter of growth, for its aim is to keep us small and keep who we really are hidden for safety.
Our brains number one most important thing is keeping us safe. Which is wonderful, but if the rules for keeping us safe have been grown from abuse, mistreatment or distortion then it can lead us into strange places and behaviours.
I realised I had to look at my level of respect for myself, and in doing so, I looked at the language I spoke to myself, I looked at my thoughts about myself, I looked at how I was often fake, afraid to be my real self, how I didn’t give myself room to be true. How I smothered my feelings in addictions, how I was afraid to be me.
But I didn’t look at these things with blame and shame, for that just pours more concrete on top of what is already there.
Instead, I saw each one as a symptom and a way that I had learnt to be safe, I realised all of it stemmed from the way others had treated me and wasn’t truly who I was. I let each thing be a teaching that showed me where I needed more love and more tending.
And slowly I learnt to compost them away, learning from them and mulching them so I could then grow new seeds.
I brought what was unconscious out of the shadows, and with awareness I could see it, know it and then work with it. And over time, I stopped sabotaging myself by pushing myself off the path, and with the concrete shifting, seeds could begin to take root.
To grow new ways, to unfurl who I truly was, I had to first tend to the seed of self love by removing the concrete.
And its always worth remembering, that self love isn’t selfish, self love enables us to be more real, honest and present with those we love.
THANK YOU for being here, I really love your company on this journey.
Do share this letter with someone you feel might like it, or come and comment below.
I will open a chat up today for subscribers if there is anything anyone would like to bring regarding this subject. I’m aware this is a vast subject, and I’ve barely scraped the surface, but I hope in some way, it has ignited some thoughts or feelings to chew on.
Poem -
You are not small.
You are not unworthy.
You are not insignificant.
The universe wove you from a constellation,
just so atom, every fibre in you comes from
a different star.
Together, you are bound by stardust , altogether
spectacularly created by the energy of the
universe itself.
And that, my darling,
is the poetry of physics,
the poetry of you.
Interesting things…..
A new podcast with Clover Stroud - Tiny acts of bravery
Ben Goldsmith - turning the dessert green
Knepp on Beavers
Love your posts 😍
Thank you so much, Brigit. The different layers of self love are essential. ♥️♥️♥️🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼