Art by Tarryn Knight
Autumn days really feel like they are settling in as misty skies hang on the hills in the early hours, the spider webs shine with dew, and conkers, hazelnuts, hawthorn and rosehips are filling trees, hedgerows and my basket.
I can feel a sense of relief in these days, the outward pull of energy that so often makes me want to be producing, active and outward starts to dwindle, and I feel quieter, softer and slowly more inward. I start thinking of fires and dark cinnamon ladened medicines and apple crumbles, jumpers and bright red berries.
Right now, I’m sitting by my evening fire, writing this and sipping on my hawthorn elixir, hoping this newsletter finds you well
Art by Ulla Thynell
Part of my journey of recovery
To heal, is to touch with love, that which we previously touched with fear.
- Stephen Levine
I used to disregard, ignore and punish every inch of this beautiful body of mine. I feared how it looked, the feelings it held, the memories that wandered like ghosts within my heart, the pain that it held and the stories it told.
Art by Tijana Lukovic
It was hard to set myself on a healing path, and stay on it, or grow new and nourishing ways of being, when the overall language and beliefs that I continuously carried in my pockets, were ones of unworthiness. I would always, no matter what, unconsciously find a way to push myself off the path or concrete over what I was trying to grow.
Art by Maggie Chiang
I have come to know, that any journey towards wholeness and healing, has to begin with attending to the seed of self love and respect before we can plant and grow other things. It is as if that seed of love breaks down the hardened concrete layer of hate, ignites harmony in the soil after the toxins and weedkiller of self dislike and self criticism.
Creating a ground and foundation that enables new habits, thoughts, ideas and growth to grow and root into our lives.
Art by Phoebe Wahl
But, it’s important to remember, not to add hate, shaming and despair to the part of us that has learnt to feel such dislike and critiscm towards ourselves. It is important not to push that part away with positive vibes only, guilt tripping and repressive thoughts.
But to instead, invite an understanding as to how we got to hold such damaging beleifs within us in the first place.
There would have been a time, most often as a child, that we take on the idea, that as we are, is not good enough, not right, and so we learn to tame our wild, domesticate our truth, concrete over our voice and dampen our fire.
Whether through a tricky upbringing, eduction, religion, peers or society in general. Or it could have been from a breaking of boundaries, stress, trauma, psychological or physical abuse of some kind, that could have taught us, we needed to be safe, fit in, be good, be quiet, be approved of and liked. And to do this meant, putting aside our own feelings, disregarding our own integrity and intuition, having learnt from outside sources that they were not to be listened to, and to be good, we need to change, reform and be melded into something smaller, greyer.
And because of this, within us, we would have invited ways of being, that helped us to match the message we are being given. Keeping ourselves smaller than our natural potential by putting aside our feelings, thoughts, instincts and intuition, in favour of external forces/people.
These ways of being can form as a self critic, a people pleaser, rescuer, joker, addict, protector, do-er, high achiever, flunky.
The term often used for this part of us, is the ‘loyal soldier’, the one who we employed within to help us survive our environment.
Their job is to keep us small in order for us not be attacked, shamed or outcast. And because these loyal soldiers are employed when we are a child who was lacking in resources and tools, their ways of keeping us safe can be very distorted.
They take on the external message of not good enough and keep it going through our minds, so we dont step out of line and get humiliated or worse.
This part of us, forming as the critic, the self hater, the people pleaser and all the rest, is really just trying to protect us, just trying to keep us safe, and they do it out of care. They fill out their contract we made with them to the letter.
If we shame that part of us, if we tell that part of us off, it will just come in stronger, thinking that we are not safe, it just compounds it and adds shame and more hate to the problem.
The way to start to change this part of us, is to invite it to take a seat around the fire with us, to welcome it. To thank it for all their work and effort to keep us safe. To pin a medal on its chest for service, to bring them into a hug within the heart. For that part of us has been terrified, scared that terrible things would happen if we didnt treat ourselves in this way.
We want to tell ourselves that we are now looking for new ways to be safe in the world. And perhaps list those things, telling yourself all the new ways you can hold yourself, the course you may do to support a new way, the things you might grow, the books you will read, the podcasts, the events, the food and so on. You can even ask your loyal soldier for help in these things.
There is a story told of Japanese soldiers in the war who were shipwrecked on an island. While they were there the war ended and Japan lost. But this news never reached these soldiers and they lived as if they were at war. When they were finally discovered, instead of being shamed and humiliated, they were welcomed and honoured for their service and sacrifice, and reintegrated into their community as hero’s.
If they had been treated differently, it would have been hard for them to be integrated into community properly. And so it is with our inner loyal soldiers.
It’s not as if this loyal soldier part of us disappears completely after this conversation we hold with it, it will come in again, especially at moments where we are stepping into something new, opening up to be vulnerable. It will arise to check you’re safe.
But, when we ally with this part of us, rather than fear them. We can hear their voice and say thank you for their concern, but we’ve got this. Letting that part of us know we are trying new ways to be in the world. And over time, that part of us will see how we are really keeping ourselves safe in the world, and slowly this part of us will reintegrate and use the skills it has to support your new way of being in the world.
Facing what I had feared, and through inviting understanding and compassion to those places, enabled me to fully step on the path of healing.
Art by Tarryn Knight
Poem of the Month
Beautiful books of the month
Nikita Gill - Wild Embers
Asia Suler - Mirrors of the earth
Herb of the Month
Hawthorn (Crataegus spp.)
I always become excited by the reddening of Hawthorn berries at this time of year. This tree is a member of the Rose family, and like Rose Hawthorn is a valuable ally for the heart. This beautiful small tree can be found in groves, hedgerows - as people liked to use them as a medicine-full boundary tree, moorland and woodland.
Hawthorn is an ally and medicine for the physical and emotional heart. This trees berries, leaves and haws are a tonic herb for the cardiovascular system. The leaves and flowers of hawthorn can also provide a calming, nervine quality. Combine all three plant parts—leaf, flower, and berry—and you’ll have a tasty and nourishing tea that is relaxing.
Hawthorn use can improve the oxygen utilization of the heart as well as improve circulation and energize the cells of the heart. It is known to tonify and strengthen the heart muscle acting as a cardiovascular trophorestorative.
With supportive nutrition and exercise, the addition of hawthorn has been used by many herbalists to support the maintenance of healthy blood pressure.
Hawthorn does more than just support the physical heart. Hawthorn berries can be a gentle digestive aid. When taken as a cordial after meals, hawthorn can soothe digestion as well as open the heart.
Hawthorn is a lovely and generous plant to use in times of tenderness, especially when grief is present. It can soften our hearts as well as promote forgiveness of self and others. When one feels in need of a hug, turn towards hawthorn. I think of hawthorn as being able to help us honor the innate strength and connection to who we truly are at our core. It matches both strength and softness while allowing for the ability to cultivate healthy boundaries as well as gentleness. It also helps support stress with its nervine actions (Easley & Horne, 2016). Moving through grief and a broken heart is edgy and stressful. As a nervine, it can support an overworked nervous system as well as soothe frayed sleep patterns. It’s not uncommon to close ourselves off as we try to protect our soft heart in times of transition and pain. Again, reach for hawthorn when you need that hug or feel alone. Hawthorn has your back and your heart when you need some extra care.
Things to make with Hawthorn Berry:
Tincture -
Fill jar with berries and completely cover with vodka or spirit of choice. Label with ingredients, date made and date ready (4 - 6 weeks time).
Swirl, shake and connect with the medicine regularly
Strain, bottle and use. 1tsp in a little water 3 x daily
This tincture is nice when combined with rose, espeically if using for grief.
Elixir -
Same process as above but instead of vodka, fill 3/4 the jar with Brandy and the other 1/4 with raw honey or vegan alternative.
Vinegar or Oxymel -
Same as tincture but using vinegar instead of alcohol, to make an oxymel add honey to the vinegar too, like an elixir.
Place some grease proof paper between lid and vinegar to stop the vinegar corroding the lid.
Hawthorn Ketchup recipe
Hawthorn fruit leather recipe- this recipe is by the lovely Rachel Lambert who has just published a book on wild puddings - Wild and sweet
Music
The Gloaming - the old favourite
Frazey Ford - September Fields
Podcasts
Glennon Doyle are you a thinker or feeler
Elizabeth Gilbert on choosing curiousity over fear
News
I have just finished my last woodland retreat of the year and have two more plant workshops to lead before my retreats and workshops have finished.
I’m about to start leading another cohort of Mindful in Nature, a ecopsychotherpay and mindful approach to life and recovery, see link below. If you are in the Devon area, they’re are still places on this one and the following one.
Most of my time this autumn and winter is taken up with writing my book, which will be out next year, and Im very excited about it!
There will be new courses, retreats and online offerings for next year which I will post here.
Questions -
I would love to hear any comments if you have any about this newletter, and if you feel to share, please do.
I would also love to hear if you find one newsletter a month enough, or would you rather two?
If you would like to support my work and offer reciprocity, consider a payed subscription which contains a monthly recorded writing prompts, seasonal connection, deeper writings and other things.
Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you for your beautiful writing and inspiration.
I’m so so happy you are sending newsletters now. I read your work on FB before but I needed a very long break from FB and I’ve missed your words so much! I would love a twice a month newsletter! Once a month is enough too though. I’m very much looking forward to your book. Thank you!!