Into the Woods

Boundaries to a people pleaser feels like aggression

“Choose discomfort over resentment” - Brene Brown

I came to realise years ago that I had had to hone the skills of people pleasing as a child to get by and be safe.

I had learnt to read a person like an incredibly skilled tracker reads the land, and know what or who it is I needed to be to please them, and in doing so, be safe.

Anna Alpatieva

This meant squashing my voice, my desire to run, my want to make trouble, to speak out, and instead, become loved, wanted, desired, and in becoming those things, I was kept alive and safe. And it worked, it did what I needed to get through some tough situations and environments.

I didnt have good resources then, and the tools I had been given were pretty shoddy, so this was a child’s way of creating safety.

The trouble is, my people pleasing tendencies also got me into trouble.

Anna Alpatieva

A part of my truth would seep through, resentment would boil over and the lies I told would weigh heavy for each one meant stepping away from my authenticity.

Years later, when I learnt about people pleasing, I started to face my own ways of getting by that really didnt serve me, that were in fact, hindering my life and my truth and my ability to be whole.

And slowly, I started trying to listen to the truth that lay within and let myself be guided by it, letting it take me away from situations that didnt feel right and towards what did feel safe and good. Slowly I tried to voice that truth, and this was the hardest thing the most shaky and nerve wracking along with creating boundaries.

Being honest, voicing my ‘no’ and creating boundaries felt like such aggression, some incredibly dangerous ground.

Which, I soon realised, was totally understandable. For not having boundaries and hiding my true feelings and thoughts kept me safe for many years. I had learnt through unfortunate events and terrible moments and difficult environments, that doing otherwise was opening up to ridicule, trouble and perhaps violence.

I needed to find compassion for that part of me that was still terrified, that had never realised that that way of being was no longer needed, that I was no longer in battle; trying to remain small to survive.

I had to speak to that part of me often, spending more time holding them, loving them and speaking with them. Hearing all the things that that part of me carried; the worries, the fear and the terror.

I had to learn that boundaries arent violent and insulting, that the truth and the uncomfortableness is far healthier than resentment and untruths.

I had to learn that being authentic, was kinder not only to me, but to others. That saying no, was far more caring than a yes that i didnt mean or want.

Tijana Lukovic

And the more I was myself, the safer I felt in my own skin. I attracted more, the people and things that were right for me, and the people and things that werent, fell away.

It is a constant practise, choosing authenticity and truth over something else. Choosing boundaries over dishonesty. And still, there are times when I whisper to that scared part of me that Im keeping myself safe, for sometimes they awake again and check in wanting to know Im still on it, still looking out for us. And I hug them tight when they arise, and listen to their voice, for they remind me to go slow and carefully, for if fear has arisen, I always know I need to make sure I nourish, hold and care for myself even more in those moments.

Sending much love to you on this May Day

Brigit