Hello loves,
Welcome to this Sundays letter, THANK YOU for being part of this community.
How have you been? Here the rowan, elder and hawthorn berries are darkening and a subtle smell of autumn has arrived within the air, earlier than usual. My raspberry and wineberry bushes are abundant and the blackberries are juicy and shiny dark within the hedgerow.
Sorrel is having a second spring, or a last dance with above ground life before they head into the underworld until next year. The teasels have gone to seed and the goldfinches, standing on the teasels waving stems enjoy their humble supper of teasel seeds. The thistles are purple and strong amid the grasses while the tall green blades of grasses have now turned a very light creamy brown. A constant low vibration of bees fills my herb beds, especially the ones full of thyme, oregano, marjoram and lavender, and I long to taste the honey that would come from such aromatic beginnings. Butterflies and moths in whites, blues, browns, yellows and red have been flitting between the flowers and trees and I have spied more ladybirds this year, not loads, but 90 percent more than previous years and that makes my heart smile hugely.
I have always loved the authenticity of nature, how each being, when left to their innate wildness, follows their inner knowing that leads them to food, warmth, shelter, love and growth.
I have loved each wild beings ability to be totally who they are, and in their ability to let their spirit live through them, they become medicine for the whole.
I especially think about this in the recent years, as I have come to see how anxiety is the name of what grows within the gap I can create between my integrity and my actions.
My inner knowing and guidance, my soul, or perhaps it is my heart, or, thinking about it, perhaps it is my entire body and soul, gets sad, angry and scared the moment I abandon myself. Whether in a small way or a huge way, a schism appears between who I truly am and my learnt way of being. And there have been many many times, that instead of choosing my senses I choose the consensus of the environment, the culture, the group.
My inner nature, works hard to guide me, to show me what feels right, warm and safe. My body, my soul is always showing me what threads in life to follow and weave with, and what threads I need to drop. But conditioning is strong in many of us, and to be safe, or to fit in, or to be approved of, we can often end up following another’s way.
It could be laughing at something I don’t find funny, it could be agreeing to something I don’t agree with, it could be pretending I don’t like something that I do like, it could be hanging out with folk that are no longer right for me, it could be eating what my body is asking me not to, it could be having sex with someone Im not really interested in, it could be being in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, it could be doing a job for approval rather than inner love, it could be pretending to be something different to gain love.
Whatever it is, creates great unease within that leads to anxiety. A background knowing, that in some way, Im lying, to myself and to others and that ultimately, Im abandoning myself and giving myself the constant message - my true nature, my dreams, my safety is not worth paying attention to.
This self abandonment, can, for me, erupt in heart burn, feeling down, feeling exhausted, wanting to hide or being resentful or angry. This lack authenticity can lead to great resentment to others, although really, its my choice to form myself to be something other than what I am.
It’s funny, I have often felt Im kinder when I hide my true feelings, my true needs and not follow my boundaries, but in fact, the opposite is true. It is not kind to the other, or to myself. Its not kind to the other, for it can be manipulative, ‘if I behave this way, or do this for them then they will like me, love me, or do something for me’ or if I am not honest and say yes when I want to say no, I will end up resenting them.
I have realised it is far kinder, to be more honest with what we can give and how we really feel.
“Choose discomfort over resentment” - Brene Brown
I have, as I’ve written about here already, decided to be as authentic as possible, to back myself first and lead myself from my heart. But, it can be really tough. Having to change old ways of being that have allowed me to fit in, to shrink smaller and be more bite sized. Changing them might mean that less people will like me, but, at least the people who do like me, will like me for who I truly am, rather than who I pretend to be. I will have to say ‘no’ more, walk away from things that on paper look good, but just don’t feel right, choose honesty over resentment. Yet, although its tough, its also beautiful, settling and grounding, it is incredibly healing for my body.
I’ve found, the more I show up authentically, the more I have to give myself up to the unknown. For it’s new territory, letting compost away the old ways of being that are known and reliable, means I have no idea what will arise and grow.
I feel safer though, and more able to step into this unknown territory, for I know that I have my own back, more than ever before, that I will not abandon myself for another.
This may sound silly or weird, but I was recently given a little sketch book by a woman who came on a long term course of mine. And I have turned it into my soul book, and I take it with me in my rucksack for when inspiration strikes. In this little book, Im filling it with words on what my soul is calling for more of, or less of. I’m acknowledging what arises in this way, and also writing small steps or ways in which I can move towards this new habit, way of being, dream or longing.
I’m rather enjoying choosing my soul in this way, having more intimate conversations with it, and I’m looking forward to seeing where it leads. I’m trying, more and more to trust in what comes up for me in my inner world, and not putting it down as silly, childish, ridiculous or not possible.
A woman, who came on a recent woodland retreat with me, she held her solo day as a ceremony in which to claim her elder hood. And in that, she wanted to stop putting off all the things she longed for, all the ways of being she was wanting to be, and to no longer be all the things she had pretended to be.
It was beautiful to witness her journey.
A man also on the same retreat, said he had not been in a loving and intimate relationship for many years, and he was about to embark on one. But he said this time, he wasn’t going to form himself to be who he thinks they want, he wasn’t going to be something other in order to gain love. And that he was going to be in his own integrity, and if that meant he lost the relationship, that was ok. No more self abandonment for love.
For me hearing him say that was such a relief, if I was stepping onto a relationship path with someone and they told me that, I would feel so much safer to be with him.
I do not want to lie anymore, nor do I want to live the rest of my life hiding my feelings, my ideas, my dreams and my true self under the concrete.
It is time, for me, to finally trust myself and love who I am. I feel like a garden, like soil, who is finally being allowed to grow, to lets weeds, wildflowers and medicine spring from my body, no more concrete, no more weedkiller.
Poem
Let the grass spring up tall, let its roots sing
and the seeds begin their scattering.
Let the weeds rejoin and be prolific throughout.
Let the noise of the mower be banished, hurrah!
Let the path become where I choose to walk, and not
otherwise established.
Let the goldfinches be furnished their humble dinner.
Let the sparrows determine their homes in security
Let the honeysuckle reach as high as my window, that it may look in.
Let the mice fill the barns and bins with a sufficiency.
Let anything created, that wants to creep or leap forward,
be able to do so.
Let the grasshopper have gliding space.
Let the noise of the mower be banished, yes, yes.
Let the katydid return and announce himself in the long evenings.
Let the blades of grass surge back from the last cutting.
Or, if you want to be poetic: the leaves of grass.
- Mary Oliver
Thank you once more for being here, sending you so much warmth and wild beauty to you.
There will be a new moon online gathering for subscribers on Wednesday the 16th August at 8pm London Time. This one will be held slightly differently from the last ones, as I’m trying different things out.
For this one, I will hold a meditation about connectivity of body and nature and then there will be an invitation to write or draw what comes up for you, after which there will be a space to share if you wish to.
The link to join is below.
This link is for paid subscribers only, if you would like to join, consider upgrading your subscription